The who, what, when, where and why of it

Who?

Me, Karen, the fat one, the one hovering constantly so close to 300 lbs. we are almost intimate.

Is that all you are? The fat one?

No, of course not. I’m the broke one, the lazy one, the funny one, the reliable one, the lonely one, the stoic one, the quiet one, the loud one. I’m a lot of good things, over shadowed by the mass of weight I needlessly carry.

Well, if you don’t need it, why do you keep it?

Well, I could give you a lot of reasons, but really, none of them are any good. My therapist said it was to say “f you” to my mother. It used to be, but any more, I’m so over what she thinks about my size. It’s not about her, it’s about me.

Ok, since it’s about you, what’s the real deal?

It’s the work! Do you know what it will take to lose 150 lbs.?????????

Yeah, a lot of time and patience, but back up … who said you have to lose 150?

Ideally that is what I want to do. I’d be so tiny then and it would be sweet!

Yeah, okay, lets worry about that in 50 lbs. or so. So truly, what’s the deal? Are you lazy? Are you doing anything?

Yes, I think I am lazy. I have been to the gym 3 times in the last couple months. Part of that is I’m trapped in that place now where you are too fat to move well, so you don’t want to … but you want to move better so you realize you need to do something.

So do something! Really dear, you need to get out of this all or nothing mentality, especially the nothing part!

I know, I know … it’s so easy to get wrapped up in the all or nothing. Little bits would at least be giving me little progress. I’d rather that than nothing. Wow, can’t believe I’m admitting that. Queen Overdo accepting little??

Let’s get to the heart of this, the emotional core, the every little reason you want to lose the weight part. List it out sugar, and don’t leave anything out! I’m talking about specifics and if they overlap it just means it’s that more valid!

Hard to put my shoes on
Walking sucks
Winded way too easy
Struggle with getting jeans on
Don’t feel like doing anything
No energy to go to the store
Don’t want to do my make up or hair
Don’t care how I look
Feel heavy, like I’m dragging another body around with me
Disappointed in myself
Letting Jillian down
I love clothes and I hate it when my stuff doesn’t fit
Fit into the car seat better
Sit up better because the fat isn’t in the way
Not as interested in playing with the kids
Lethargic about most things in life

Well, I’d say for now that covers the most of it. I am seeing that I really don’t care about other people and what they may think of my weight. That’s a huge thing for me. I’ve always wanted others to be proud of me, but I get it that they don’t matter. Truthfully what I get is that the people who love me, love me as I am now and would only like me to be healthier and happier.

So what now?

Back to the basics. Calories, exercise, water. Time to pull out the scale and the measuring cups. I’m going to be crabby for a bit, but it’s worth it.