The who, what, when, where and why of it

Who?

Me, Karen, the fat one, the one hovering constantly so close to 300 lbs. we are almost intimate.

Is that all you are? The fat one?

No, of course not. I’m the broke one, the lazy one, the funny one, the reliable one, the lonely one, the stoic one, the quiet one, the loud one. I’m a lot of good things, over shadowed by the mass of weight I needlessly carry.

Well, if you don’t need it, why do you keep it?

Well, I could give you a lot of reasons, but really, none of them are any good. My therapist said it was to say “f you” to my mother. It used to be, but any more, I’m so over what she thinks about my size. It’s not about her, it’s about me.

Ok, since it’s about you, what’s the real deal?

It’s the work! Do you know what it will take to lose 150 lbs.?????????

Yeah, a lot of time and patience, but back up … who said you have to lose 150?

Ideally that is what I want to do. I’d be so tiny then and it would be sweet!

Yeah, okay, lets worry about that in 50 lbs. or so. So truly, what’s the deal? Are you lazy? Are you doing anything?

Yes, I think I am lazy. I have been to the gym 3 times in the last couple months. Part of that is I’m trapped in that place now where you are too fat to move well, so you don’t want to … but you want to move better so you realize you need to do something.

So do something! Really dear, you need to get out of this all or nothing mentality, especially the nothing part!

I know, I know … it’s so easy to get wrapped up in the all or nothing. Little bits would at least be giving me little progress. I’d rather that than nothing. Wow, can’t believe I’m admitting that. Queen Overdo accepting little??

Let’s get to the heart of this, the emotional core, the every little reason you want to lose the weight part. List it out sugar, and don’t leave anything out! I’m talking about specifics and if they overlap it just means it’s that more valid!

Hard to put my shoes on
Walking sucks
Winded way too easy
Struggle with getting jeans on
Don’t feel like doing anything
No energy to go to the store
Don’t want to do my make up or hair
Don’t care how I look
Feel heavy, like I’m dragging another body around with me
Disappointed in myself
Letting Jillian down
I love clothes and I hate it when my stuff doesn’t fit
Fit into the car seat better
Sit up better because the fat isn’t in the way
Not as interested in playing with the kids
Lethargic about most things in life

Well, I’d say for now that covers the most of it. I am seeing that I really don’t care about other people and what they may think of my weight. That’s a huge thing for me. I’ve always wanted others to be proud of me, but I get it that they don’t matter. Truthfully what I get is that the people who love me, love me as I am now and would only like me to be healthier and happier.

So what now?

Back to the basics. Calories, exercise, water. Time to pull out the scale and the measuring cups. I’m going to be crabby for a bit, but it’s worth it.

it feels good, or at least better

I just put a post on Jillian's site about where my brain is. It seems like lately I'm really pushing the self abuse on myself. It's a combination of getting this big again and feeling like I'm just showing mom's attitude to be right. I am a fat slob, I am worthless, I know ... no one loves fat people.

What happened to the fighter in me? What happened to the woman who knows her mother is full of shit so full it oozes out of her ears? What happened to the person who was able to scream

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you!

to her mother and her attitude?

Even more so, how do I find that woman again?

have you thanked your body today?

The biggest hurdle for me on this whole weight loss journey is my self esteem. I know this and working on it is as pleasant of an idea as having a cavity filled without Novocain.

I’ve watched and listened to so much Jillian and Bob in the last couple weeks that I cannot even begin to guess where this came from, but at one point there was discussion about looking in the mirror and being positive. At the time the smart aleck voice in my head said “the only thing I’m positive about is that I don’t wanna look in the mirror!”

This morning, after I got out of the shower, I made myself look in the mirror and say thank you to my body from top to bottom. As a side note, I’ve been obese starting after 1st grade. Since then, I’ve never been normal sized. Fifteen years ago I was involved in a head on car crash (guy fell asleep at the wheel and hit me head on, breaking both legs and my left arm.) I was fat when I was in the crash, I’ve remained fat, but I had the added challenge of having my left leg over 2 inches shorter than my right and my left arm is … well … unique. The impact broke my elbow, but the bone never healed above the joint. I have what is technically called a “non-union with a fibrous tissue joint.” In layman’s terms, I have a jacked up arm that can bend in any direction (awesome party trick!) but I can’t do things like put all my weight on it or lift it over my head. Gravity wins, Karen loses.

The reason I give the background is because I’ve had the additional self loathing because of all the things I can’t do because I’m fat and physically handicapped. Even coming to Jillian’s website bummed me out at first because I can’t do the workouts. For a long time I’ve looked at my body and picked it all apart. Today is different.

Thank you to my body …

Thank you head for having a warm smile, attentive ears, watchful eyes, and a brain that works pretty well most of the time.

Thank you neck for holding up my head and for being one of the only places that didn’t take back fat when I regained it!

Thank you shoulders for being strong and able to bear both the mental and physical weight of my world.

Thank you right arm for being so strong and being the anchor of my entire body.

Thank you left arm for working so hard and being such a miracle for me. I get really mad at you some times, but I need to remember to step back and appreciate all that I’ve gotten back with you through surgery, therapy, and just plain stubbornness.

Thank you chest … well … for not completely disappearing. I know, you are on your way out as the weight goes, but seriously, could you stay a b-cup?

Thank you stomach for keeping me warm in the winter. (This was a stretch, what really do you thank your fat rolls for???)

Thank you butt for keeping my pants up. I’m thankful for the strong muscles there that let me know when they’ve had a good workout by making it uncomfortable to sit.

Thank you right leg for working so hard to compensate for shorty over there on the left. Thank you left leg for fighting to work just as hard as the right.

Thank you to my legs as a pair for recovering and still fighting. You may be full of battle scars, but you hold me up even though I was told I wouldn’t walk again. You even let me try silly things like jumping and jogging and only scream in protest a little bit!

When I finished this, I looked back up in the mirror, surprised to see tears flowing down my face. I wasn’t sad though, I was happy. Today I realized that my body is an amazingly strong vessel and that while I may never ever be able to take a conventional route to health and fitness, I will blaze my own path and I will own it.

So have you thanked your body today?

kicking my own ass

While playing around with facebook this morning I realized Bob Harper has a page. I wasn't sure if it was the real Bob or not Bob, but checking out the friend list made me think it was THE BOB.

I asked him to be my friend *insert 1st grade grin*

He said yes!

In my waiting time and poking around time I found Bob's website. Whaaa? Bob has a website? I of course joined.

I'm giddy having both Bob and Jillian just a click away ...

but ...

I'm kind of ... no ... I completely am ... pissed and angry .... and whatever else I can throw at myself ... for being where I am now ...

I've watched Biggest Loser every season. I've been like a student hanging on the lecturers' ever words. I've fantasied a million times about how if only I had Jillian or Bob as a trainer ...

So here I am, fortunate to have had Jillian Michael HERSELF talk to me and give me a membership to her website. Then to frost my cupcake I find Bob's free website.

And I can't say that I've given even 50% of the effort I should be giving.

Is that just another way of proving subconsciously that I'm worthless?

That crap so has to quit.

Jillian believed in me enough to give me a treasure. Right now I need to embrace her faith in me until I find my own faith in myself.

When it gets hard

I hate when weight loss starts getting hard. When the new car smell is worn off and reality sets in. This is what I have to do forever.

I have to realize and embrace though, that if I don't do this work, I know what my forever will be. First off, it will be a shorter forever than I could imagine. I have real reasons for wanting to lose weight. One of the things Jillian said when I talked (she talked!) to me on the phone was that I needed to make the list of reason why I am doing this. I've avoided it. Part of the reason is that I don't know what I'll feel like if I never reach these goals, but a bigger part is that making this list is about admitting all the things that are not good about where I am in my life right now. At any rate, the list needs to be done. This might end up being just a starter list, but for the moment, it's just going to be the free flowing thoughts of things I want out of this journey.

1. to easily find a bra that fits.
2. to fit into booths and not pull the table cloth with me.
3. to fit into the chairs at the hair salon without the arms digging into my side.
4. to not buy from the plus section.
5. to be able to pull anything from my closet and wear it. No wondering if it fits, covers my stomach, or makes me look like orca.
6. to be able to breathe deeper.
7. to not get winded unless I'm really pushing myself hard at the gym.
8. to climb stairs easier.
9. to have a normal, honest relationship with food.
10. to be proud of myself for doing it.
11. to eventually help others lose weight (I'd *love* to become a life coach for health!)
12. to slide in and out of my car easier.
13. to have more lap and less stomach.
14. to lessen the pain on my joints.
15. to finally prove that the asshole who hit me head on didn't get to change my body for the worst forever.
16. to be an example to physically handicapped people to never ever give up.
17. to no longer be a kite on a string when it comes to cravings.
18. to blend into a crowd and not be noticed.
19. to no longer be the fattest person in the room.
20. to be able to say "I used to have a weight problem."
21. to be strong and healthy and not let the jerks in the world bring me down like they did last time.

Hmmm ... not a bad list for starters. Seems like there should be a lot more things. I'm sure there are, but for now, it's a start. All good reasons, all valid reasons.

tiny freakout

I got on the scale last night when I came home from giving platelets and decided to take a shower. It had me as 11 pounds down since Sunday morning. At first I was all happy and had tears. Then I picked a fight with the bf and ate and ate and ate.

Sabotage, thy name is Karen!

I stopped that.

In the past I've let my fear of this being just another attempt screw me seven ways to Sunday. Not this time. No way. I'm not going that direction. This is not an attempt, this is my path and my 1600 calories and exercise is my gps.

What a difference a half week makes

It's only Wednesday, but in a way I feel like I've lived a life time this week. It's been a hard week, but a good week. Stepping on the scale Sunday was like watching the monster in a horror film come running straight at me. Actually, Freddy, Jason, or any other mutilating character would have been a slight improvement that seeing that number on that scale.

I didn't elaborate what I did in light of the number on the scale. I guess part of it was that I needed time for it to sink in and part of it was it was all still too emotional.

When I left the gym I saw what time it was and decided to make a phone call to Los Angeles. Here I am in my northern suburb of Chicago and I'm calling a radio show in Los Angeles? I felt like I was at the bottom of a well and there were rocks being shoveled down on me. I had to get groceries, so I parked outside the grocery store and kept hitting redial. I kept getting a busy signal over and over again. I thought about giving up, but I sat there, car running, heater blasting, tears rolling down my face, and looked at all the stuff I was scribbling down on my notepad. I kept dialing because I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be told "do this, do this, do this" and I knew that the person I was calling could tell me that. Not only could she tell me, but she'd be right too.

I got through, explained my problem, and was told it was an awesome question and that I just needed to hold on through the news. Before I knew it I was on the radio having an emotional breakdown. For a second I cared, for a second I was so scared I could have puked. Then I just listened.

I was told "do this, do this and do this." I was told so much more. I was handed some self esteem and some pride, plus I was given the understanding and compasion I don't have access to in my every day life. What was said to me was plenty, but there was more to it than I can ever express. Plus I was given an opportunity to reach for my dreams.

The mysterious "they" of the world always tell you that God works in mysterious ways. Seems like you are always told that in the darkest of hours. I could ponder the process for hours, but when it comes down to it, God showed me the way to my very own angel. Corny? Hokey? Over dramatic?

Put it into my perspective. I called someone who thousands of people send in applications to, just in hopes they can have their lives saved by her, her co-trainer, and their show. I'm just one little voice in that big sea of weight, looking for their promised land. To have her take my call was awesome enough. To have her sign me up for her website was ... well, I can't say. I still cry when I stop to absorb it all.

The scale at the gym last night said 297.4. I like that so much better. It's just going to keep on getting better too.

Thank you Jillian.
Thank you a million times over.