kicking my own ass

While playing around with facebook this morning I realized Bob Harper has a page. I wasn't sure if it was the real Bob or not Bob, but checking out the friend list made me think it was THE BOB.

I asked him to be my friend *insert 1st grade grin*

He said yes!

In my waiting time and poking around time I found Bob's website. Whaaa? Bob has a website? I of course joined.

I'm giddy having both Bob and Jillian just a click away ...

but ...

I'm kind of ... no ... I completely am ... pissed and angry .... and whatever else I can throw at myself ... for being where I am now ...

I've watched Biggest Loser every season. I've been like a student hanging on the lecturers' ever words. I've fantasied a million times about how if only I had Jillian or Bob as a trainer ...

So here I am, fortunate to have had Jillian Michael HERSELF talk to me and give me a membership to her website. Then to frost my cupcake I find Bob's free website.

And I can't say that I've given even 50% of the effort I should be giving.

Is that just another way of proving subconsciously that I'm worthless?

That crap so has to quit.

Jillian believed in me enough to give me a treasure. Right now I need to embrace her faith in me until I find my own faith in myself.

What a difference a half week makes

It's only Wednesday, but in a way I feel like I've lived a life time this week. It's been a hard week, but a good week. Stepping on the scale Sunday was like watching the monster in a horror film come running straight at me. Actually, Freddy, Jason, or any other mutilating character would have been a slight improvement that seeing that number on that scale.

I didn't elaborate what I did in light of the number on the scale. I guess part of it was that I needed time for it to sink in and part of it was it was all still too emotional.

When I left the gym I saw what time it was and decided to make a phone call to Los Angeles. Here I am in my northern suburb of Chicago and I'm calling a radio show in Los Angeles? I felt like I was at the bottom of a well and there were rocks being shoveled down on me. I had to get groceries, so I parked outside the grocery store and kept hitting redial. I kept getting a busy signal over and over again. I thought about giving up, but I sat there, car running, heater blasting, tears rolling down my face, and looked at all the stuff I was scribbling down on my notepad. I kept dialing because I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be told "do this, do this, do this" and I knew that the person I was calling could tell me that. Not only could she tell me, but she'd be right too.

I got through, explained my problem, and was told it was an awesome question and that I just needed to hold on through the news. Before I knew it I was on the radio having an emotional breakdown. For a second I cared, for a second I was so scared I could have puked. Then I just listened.

I was told "do this, do this and do this." I was told so much more. I was handed some self esteem and some pride, plus I was given the understanding and compasion I don't have access to in my every day life. What was said to me was plenty, but there was more to it than I can ever express. Plus I was given an opportunity to reach for my dreams.

The mysterious "they" of the world always tell you that God works in mysterious ways. Seems like you are always told that in the darkest of hours. I could ponder the process for hours, but when it comes down to it, God showed me the way to my very own angel. Corny? Hokey? Over dramatic?

Put it into my perspective. I called someone who thousands of people send in applications to, just in hopes they can have their lives saved by her, her co-trainer, and their show. I'm just one little voice in that big sea of weight, looking for their promised land. To have her take my call was awesome enough. To have her sign me up for her website was ... well, I can't say. I still cry when I stop to absorb it all.

The scale at the gym last night said 297.4. I like that so much better. It's just going to keep on getting better too.

Thank you Jillian.
Thank you a million times over.